When a loved-one becomes seriously ill, the complexity of emotions that arise cannot be simply defined, because it is such a personal journey; you will change, immediately. Whether you turn numb, “buck-up”, or fall apart, the world does not stop just because someone we love is going down this winding path.
Because suddenly you, who had time for Netflix marathons and coffee dates with friends, barely has a moment to wash your hair or go on that weekend trip with your partner; you may not even have time for a decent night’s sleep.
Does everyone end up in this position?
Absolutely not.
We all take on, or fall into caregiver roles, in different ways and to varying degrees. Your loved-one may fair very well during their illness and not need significant support, aside from company and occasional drives to appointments. Others may find their lives completely upended, with a loved-one needing consistent support as they experience cognitive decline, acute physical impairment, medication stupors, or heartbreaking physical pain.
I’m making this sound terrible, aren’t I?
Well, I guess I’m just setting the stage.
Because, without a doubt, the human experience is a tough one and I think it’s designed to be that way. Yes, we are given moments of immense joy, and we all know we could not recognize that without sorrow. And what I always want to do is encourage people to enjoy their free time and healthy loved-ones, as much as possible, while they are in great shape. If you are in that joyful time in life, I hope you embrace it with all the gratitude in the world, because the transition into illness and possible death, is a challenging road for us humans.
At this point, I’d like to pull in our spiritual and hirer selves.
French philosopher, Pierre Teilhard de Chardin once said, “We're not human beings having a spiritual experience. We're spiritual beings having a human experience.” This, I believe to be true. So, what does it mean to be a spiritual being and why do we come here?
We come here to love.
But first, we must figure out the puzzle that is ourselves. What does it mean to love ourselves, first and foremost, and how does that transcend into loving others?
Well, quite simply, it is the only way we can truly and authentically give of our love.
As you care for someone who is ill, what are you doing to take care of yourself? Are you stopping, breathing, resting, nourishing, and making time to decompress? Are you reaching out to your support network to give you a hand?
These are important considerations to make, as you travel down this road.
If you are walking beside someone as they experience illness or the end of their life, you will go through many deep emotions. Sometimes, you might think you need to keep those feelings at bay, because your loved-one’s needs are exceeding your own.
That’s fair.
But isn’t it true that your feelings and emotions are an important part of this journey?
They are.
While love is an action, it also applies to you. As you give love, so should you receive it. Watching someone move through the complexities of human illness is a massive challenge and it can feel insurmountable at times. It’s lonely, exhausting, scary, and sometimes, oddly exhilarating, because you are giving beyond a capacity that you never knew you had.
Allow me to tell you about an important connection I gained during such harrowing time.
I met a chaplain named David Maginley who shared his strength and wisdom with me during a loved-one’s illness. David, who has had cancer multiple times in his life since he was 17, has gone on to help others who have battled this debilitating illness, offering kindness, wit, and support during a time that can feel impossible. I devoured his book, "Beyond Surviving: Cancer and Your Spiritual Journey", with a zest I hadn't experienced since reading John Steinbeck's "East of Eden" (my favourite book).
What I mean by this is that reading those words were so meaningful, appropriate, and hopeful that I felt emboldened and inspired. He says, “Use a crisis to deepen your humanity and amplify your love."
He also told me personally, while sitting outside of the elevators of my loved-one’s cancer ward, to let this beloved person experience their journey authentically, to not protect them from it, and to let them connect with their deepest self.
I was scared.
You see, because I was protecting this person in more ways than I can say, I was sometimes losing myself and not allowing them to gain any traction and strength through their experience. In fact, my phenomenal sisters and I were guarding our loved-one in ways that we couldn’t even describe if we tried. We couldn't let go and trust!
It was scary!
The healthcare system is challenging at best of times, and while the amazing nurses, doctors, and caregivers we encountered were outstanding, they were stretched very thin. We felt like we couldn’t leave this dear person’s side for a moment. They were a treasured and precious person that deserved our undivided attention. We wouldn’t change that, but now, looking back, I can see, that we were more protective than maybe we needed to be; at least spiritually.
Because our loved-one had more strength than we realized.
So, I come back full circle: love yourself. Eat well, take rest, call on those amazing friends and family that want to help but don’t know how—you just need to tell them what you need. Have that late night dinner with a bestie, drink plenty of water, go for a walk in a park while the loved-one sleeps, and trust, trust, trust.
Trust.
I don’t know what works best for you—only you know that. I do know that exploring my
deepest-self helped. I took a reiki course that allowed me to connect with my own healing power; not for everyone, I understand. I cried to my trusted people (and they were often those you wouldn’t expect). I told people I wanted a meal; I admitted I was feeling broken, disconnected, and not retaining information like I normally would; I watched my favourite show at 12am because that’s when I got home from the hospital; I developed a love for jigsaw puzzles, too… what a fun thing to do in the hospital!
Go easy.
Let go.
Feel.
Trust.
Know this is a part of life that each of us will experience.
And give yourself a hug. Look in the mirror and give yourself a ‘high five’, because you are doing more than you ever thought you could do.
Love and support to you on your journey.
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